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'She did it again' was all I could think. I had just found out that my friend was tooken to the hospital, because she had cut herself again. This time the cuts were so deep that she needed stitches. They drew some blood from her and found out that she had overdosed on heroin.
'I can't believe she did it again' I said to her brother, James, who I happened to be dating.
'I think I saw it coming' he said sadly
'Why didn't you say anything?' I almost cried
'Because I wanted to be wrong, I wanted to just be thinking I was being overprotected. I didn't want to loose her. But I think it may be to late.'
'Don't say that' I was crying now 'We can't loose her. She'll change. She'll be okay. She just needs help'
'I know, I know that I shouldn't have said that' He whispered. He was holding me now. Trying to comfort me. Protect me from my fear of loosing my best friend. Trying to get rid of the pain.
But it was to late. I was lost in flashbacks and tears and my fear had already swallowed me. I started hyperventilating. Something was really wrong. I could feel it. Then his cell phone went off. We were in the waiting room waiting while she was getting stitches. It was his best friend. He quickly turned off his phone. At that moment the doctor walked in and asked my boyfriend to go with him. James said he would not go unless I could go, too. The doctor then asked, 'What relationship do you have with her?' He said the words to me.
'She's my best friend. More like a sister than anything else.' I whispered.
'You might as well come. You both will need each others support.'
As soon as we walked into his office, he said, 'She didn't make it. She died from blood loss…'
That was all I heard. I fell to the floor, because I refused to sit. I was on my knees over a garbage can, puking bile, because I hadn't eaten at all that day. James was holding my hair back and crying himself. I was empty. James had to half carry me out to the car. The doctor was looking at me as if I was the one who needed hospitalization. I don't remember much more. I slept on James' bed and He stayed up all night. I don't think I really slept, but laid there completely empty and drained. I was broken and hurt. My best friend would never hug me. I could never help her through another problem.
Everything I knew ended that day.

A 16-year-old girl, named Janie, went to the mall one day. She was wearing a t-shirt for the first time in over a year. Her cuts just recently got deeper, when her best friend of 10 years died just over a
month ago. She was sitting alone on a bench in the mall by the Hot Topic, when a little boy walked
up to her and asked,
"Why do you cut yourself?"
She was taken aback by the comment and responded,"How old are you?"
"8-years-old, almost 9"
"Why do you ask about my cuts?"
"Because I've cut myself too, when my dad beats my mom, my little sister, and me." The little boy almost started crying.
"I guess I cut myself, because I needed to find some control."
"I guess that's why everyone cuts. That's why I do it anyways."
"What gave you the idea to start cutting?"
"I saw teenagers doing it, and I thought that was the answer"
The little boy walked away, and when Janie got home she gave her mom all her razors and knifes.
She realized that she is an example to all the little kids out in the world....And wether she knew it or not...They are watching her.

A 14-year-old girl, named Jesse, walked up to a 15-year-old boy, named Jared.
"Why haven't you ever noticed me? I've had a crush on you for 3 years. I've tried to say hi to you a million times, but you always just walk away as if I'm not even there. I just don't understand. Everyone knows. So why don't you?" Jesse said through her tears.
She opened her mouth to say more, but Jared put a finger over her lips to quiet her.

"I have noticed you. How could I not? You're a social butterfly. (laughs) Everyone knows you. And believe it or not I really do like you. I'm just afraid of loosing you completely. You make me so nervous. I…I think…that I…um…I love you" Jared whispered the last few words, afraid of rejection.
"I love you, too." Jesse whispered back.
Then a simple kiss sealed the truth.
…Young Love…

One of my diagnoses is Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD). I don't know if that's why I'm having such a hard time with David (my fiance) being 1500 miles away…He is supposed to be moving up here in the beginning of December, but I have a weird feeling that he isn't coming and I don't know why. It really sucks because it seems like no one understands. People just keep telling me that it should be getting easier, but its not…Its getting harder and I don't know why. It really sucks though because feeling this way makes everyday harder and harder to get through. I am not suicidal and I don't cut anymore and I know I won't. But I can't figure out why this isn't getting easier. I am thinking about him more than ever. I am thinking about him so much that it's driving me crazy. He's literally in every thought. And I am not obsessed. I haven't been obsessed with anything for quite a while (2 years  to be exact). I don't know what to do….I don't know what to think or say half the time and I'm hardly laughing anymore….Actually…It even hurts to smile sometime…I'm in a lot of pain and I miss him a lot…I really do. I'm so confused. I'm getting mad at him for stupid shit, Like going with his sister this weekend and being unable to talk to me for a fucking night. It was only one night. I feel so bad for getting that way. It's not my meds either. More meds or different meds won't help, but that's prolly what my mom is thinking, but I know that meds are not the solution. It's like I'm in a nightmare that just won't end…There a a few stars in the otherwise pitch black sky I'm trying to walk through, but besides that it's pitch black out. Almost impossible to see. I wish I could just believe that he will be here in December like planned, but my fucking brain won't believe my heart. It's like my brain is telling my heart to stop dreaming, but I can't convince myself that it's not a dream. For once something good came out of reality and I have my own fairy tale staring me in the face. My own happy fairy tale, full of smiles and laughs and my own prince in shining armor…Pathetic, I know, but what else can I do? I need to get over this stupid disorder and move on with my life, because it's holding me back from living the way I want to. I need to be someone else for a day…


Why do I have to fight everyday to smile? Why do I have to try ten times harder then everyone else? I just don't understand. I don't know why I'm always upset or crying… I don't  get it…I'm in so much pain, but nobody even knows it….The longer I'm away from him the harder it is to smile, laugh, or even try to be happy…

I feel so bad for being so busy!! I haven't had the time to journal or anything...I got on today with 1,000 deviations to look at, 16 notes, 64 journals, and a few messages....So sorry, I'll try to keep up better